Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
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you stereotypes are all alike
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s