Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
#Caturday
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.