Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
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Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.