“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
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Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price