ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
You Might Also Like
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
The game has officially changed 😎