ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
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They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
An odd boast
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”