Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
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Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Awwwww shit.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”