My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
You Might Also Like
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH