It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
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Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
TRAIN’S HERE
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?