Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
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-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”