T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
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The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
This fish is cracking me up
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?