ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
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[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.