me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
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when u come home smelling like another dog
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.