ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
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Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]