Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
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“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Who chose this font
dream blunt rotation
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”