ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
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Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.