Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
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the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad