Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
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Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”