Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
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Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
There is no “ea” in Tim.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I’m putting together a team
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s