Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
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Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.