Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Breaking news:
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.