me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
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Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I’m literally crying
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
this makes me so uncomfortable
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
when nothing goes right… go left
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”