Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
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What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables