me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
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Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming