Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
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Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
hackers play passwordle
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!