Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
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[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition: