Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
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Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?