Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
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If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet