Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
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Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question