me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
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The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.