me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
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*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
This is my emotional support knife.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.