I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
You can’t rush stupid.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?