I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
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Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.