Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
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CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
How do you milk an almond?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.