Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
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INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”