me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
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[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.