me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
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I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
thanksgiving in nutshell
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐