Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
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roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”