Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
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Can鈥檛. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven鈥檛 purchased anything from in 10 years.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z鈥檚 that come out of your nose when you sleep.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 馃幍 I really can’t staaay … 馃幍
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 馃幍 I have to go a … 馃幍
me – ok, bye!
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
i don鈥檛 let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i鈥檓 hungover
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Joke鈥檚 on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It鈥檚 okay, you can鈥檛 get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
It鈥檚 been a good 12 months for dogs
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”