“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
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India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Liquor Store Parking
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.