me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
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Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Bed should get ready for ME
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Watson was Holmes schooled
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
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