I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
You Might Also Like
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.