Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
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I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.