me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
You Might Also Like
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
prepare for carbonated trouble
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now