me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
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math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.