ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
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My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
why I oughta
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
just pretend nothing happened
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED