ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
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Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.