ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
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My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….