ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
You Might Also Like
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
how to market bottled water to dads
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
😂😂😂😂😂😂