ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Perfect.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.